My bully

I was an easy target for bullies. I was a smart aleck, pretty nerdy, and annoying. My voice was pretty grating (still maybe?) and I appeared to be a pushover.
It took me a long time to find my niche in the social order. I had friends and I’m not trying to sound bitter, but there were some painful moments. I eventually ran into some bullies. People that wanted to do me harm for no reason.
Chances are I provoked it, but I truly don’t remember all the circumstances.
What I do have recall of are impressions. I see someone that I know and subconsciously I have a a good or bad feeling. This can be triggered by their looks or even their name.
Facebook has revived some of these feelings as I stumble upon some of nemeses on the social network.
Today, I ran across someone that i just totally avoided. Usually, I could win a bully over once they got to know me. That did not happen with this guy. He threatened me at every turn. He was a couple years older and I saw him on the bus. He terrified me.
Once he punched me so hard that my arm hurt for a few days.
So, no surprise, when I found him on Facebook, I had hoped that he had suffered for the years of indignation he forced upon me.
I secretly wished he was doing poorly. He actually wasn’t doing great, by what I could tell. But he had a loving family and cute grandkids. It softened my view of him.
I feel ashamed for wishing ill will.
Perhaps, my bully was an influence on my life. That my interactions with him were fodder for my shaping personality. Just maybe.
Perhaps I should chalk up his bullying to a home condition or maybe he lacked the proper faculties for compassion.
Pictures on his Facebook page did not yield any answers. I don’t think asking to be his friend would make anything better. It’s a road that I choose not to travel. I will not friend my bully.


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